Focusing on what I can control
Using breath and awareness to move through these hard (and okay) times
This morning, I let myself sleep in. Even though I had gone to bed early the night before, and did nothing stressful all weekend, I woke up exhausted and turned off my alarm clock. When I woke for the second time an hour after the sun rose, I had to fight to suppress the fear building within me and silence the voice that said you are getting behind.
I went through my morning routine: shower, yoga, tea, emptying the dishwasher to an audiobook, feeding lettuce leaves to the guinea pig. Each motion brings me back to myself, breathing through the discomfort of being off my schedule, fearing I’ll fail. This is what it’s like for me to struggle to be in the stillness. When life is chaos and adrenaline there is no time to think, to be with yourself. So I stretch into myself. Taking up the empty space.
Feeling the fear of disruption and dysregulation. If you can’t get through a slow morning of basic tasks without emotionally struggling, how are you going to handle any real problems?
I shush my inner monologue. I remind her I am practiced at real problems — expert level achieved at living in chaos mode, thank you. We are trying something new. Look at the plants in your kitchen and take a breath. There, see, you are alive, uncomfortable, and alive. Notice the vines bending towards the light, stretching towards what is lifegiving.
Breath and awareness has been a mantra for me the last few weeks. It is my version of a serenity prayer. Focusing on what I can control and moving through what I cannot. I redirect my awareness towards what nourishes and connects me. My breath is a guide and companion through discomfort.
Our breath is the soundtrack of our lives, moving energy, making space, and sustaining us (literally). The hardest moments require us to move through them one breath at a time. Even the uncomfortable moments when there is just enough space to feel the fear of every possible thing we might achieve or accomplish or let slip through our fingers.
Being able to exist in the stillness of life when everything is okay is something I don't have a lot of practice with, but it is something to strive for. I’ve written about the quiet seasons of life a lot this year. The articles where I’ve gotten the most responses from you all touch on that uncomfortable feeling of the in between phases. When we are doing work behind the scenes. We have nothing to report, no status to update on social media, our success can’t be photographed or even explained. We are making it day-to-day a little stronger and a little more loving towards ourselves. Climbing towards the light with the power of our breath, and moving our awareness towards what gives us life.
Right now, my home feels electric with this “in-between” phase. Rachel and I met our new puppy over Facetime a few days ago and officially “chose” him. In only four more days, we’ll be driving to New Jersey to pick him up and bring him home with us. The parts of me that miss living in chaos will be satisfied soon. It’s been eight months since Bella passed, and we’re both ready to commit to caring for and loving a dog again.
I am most excited to see how this puppy will communicate with me. Bella always picked up on my moods and emotions, but her telegraphing system seemed only to go one way. She was unique in her capacity to love everyone, stopping to hug strangers.
She was calm, gentle, and slow-moving her whole life, but I could not ask her to do anything. She sent out requests and commands to us constantly with her eyes knowing we’d understand, she almost never barked.
I have a feeling this puppy will be more of a two-way communicator, something I miss from Teddy, our dog who passed on my birthday three years ago. Just a look or thought to him, and he was ready to receive messages. Quick with cat-like agility in his ninety-pound body, opening doors and cabinets, and always keeping an eye on everyone.
Another way my awareness slips away from the present moment is the sweet anticipation of things to come. It’s a challenge to bring it back from the daydreams. Imagining how sweet it will be to witness my wife falling in love with a puppy for the first time. A friend to adventure with us. How we will bring him on all our favorite forest trails. Wondering how he’ll react to snow falling for the first time. Will he enjoy splashing in the lake or notice the fish? It’s intoxicating getting ahead of myself.
One of my intentions for 2024 is that each time I imagine a worst-case scenario, I also imagine things going well beyond my wildest dreams. So, I allow my awareness to stretch into these fantasies, knowing that my breath will be there to carry and console me no matter what happens.
Next week, I’m hosting a Guided Intention Setting Ceremony. If you’d like a space to connect and conjure some intentions for yourself, you can join here. We’ll meet over Zoom for a meditation to help you connect to your intention, so don't worry if you don’t know what your intentions are. I’ll share how I use intentions to guide you toward your goals gently.
With luck, the next time I write to you, I’ll be deliriously in love and sleep-deprived from our puppy. Until then, sending you wishes for grace and light as you stretch into the stillness of your life.
With love,
Sheryl
P.S. If you’d like to submit a question to my advice column, A Peek Behind the Veil, you can ask me anything about spirituality, business, relationships, or life. Tell me a little about your situation. It’s completely anonymous, and I will share advice and answers here in the newsletter.
I feel your heart dear friend. Always such a joy to receive your words 🌷🌼🤍 holding you through this tender time, fingers crossed for love-induced sleep deprivation next week 🐶 xx