Defining love for ourselves
Love as an action, spiritual disguises, and not giving your power away
Our definitions of the abstract can alter how we experience life. The things we can’t perceive with our senses: love, magic, family, beauty, time, curiosity, justice, or fear. The meanings we assign are formed through our life experiences and will ultimately shape our reality.
It’s all about our perspective and expectations. If I define friendship as someone I speak to every day and share all of my secrets with, I might be disappointed if my friends aren’t available for that kind of connection. I might think I’m a bad friend for not being available myself. But, if I define friendship as someone I’m spiritually invested in that I can show up for in crucial times and vice versa, I might feel fulfilled in my closest friendships.
Our definitions can cause us to be open to the world, or they can cause us immense suffering.
It’s like redefining success to mean having a small life that I love rather than a busy, extravagant one that I have to always strive for.
In her book All About Love: New Visions, Bell Hooks defines the concept of love as
“The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth.”
from M. Scott Peck’s, The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth.
All About Love opened my mind to how I want to love and be loved. Having a solid concept of acting in care and, specifically, a definition of love that leaves no room for abuse brought me such clarity about the kind of parent, partner, and friend I wanted to be. It changed how I defined my past experiences of love. I used to think that abusive people “loved me in their own way,” and I no longer believe that. To me, love is an action we take over and over.
The idea that love can be defined, that it is not instinctual, and that abuse and love can not coexist is one of those truths we can’t unsee once we let it into our awareness.
It challenges the idea that we have been “loved” by those in our lives who have perhaps been caring towards us and simultaneously abusive, manipulative, and dysfunctional.
The idea that we choose to act in love strongly supports the belief that love is an action and that it is not always instinctual or restful. I believe it is a dedication requiring us to show up fully even when it is hard and that justice and truth need to be part of the equation.
Being able to define my values has been crucial to my spiritual journey.
When I first began practicing in mediumship circles and connecting with other spiritual folks, I was overwhelmed by the love and compassion I felt from everyone. It was a totally different experience than I was used to in my everyday life. People talked openly about the spirit world. Everyone spoke this spiritual language:
“I’m sending you healing.”
” love and light”
“What is the spiritual significance of seeing a possum?”
I also noticed people seeming to self-sensor, making sure they weren’t being judgemental, checking in with folks to see if others agreed with them, and offering lots of unsolicited advice.
It wasn’t harmful, but it was sort of cult-like.
I had a feeling of having entered a utopian society and felt a sense of ease and relaxation.
I let my guard down.
It took only a few weeks for me to realize that a lot of folks were not so different than the competitive colleagues in my corporate job. Backstabbing, addiction, and judgment were just as prevalent. Some people were genuine and kind, and some hid their personalities under a spiritual disguise, wearing Mala beads and burning sage while gossiping about other practitioners. Once I figured this out, I put my boundaries back up.
In my mediumship classes, I encourage — do not give your power away, not to me or any teacher. In spiritual exploration, you’ll encounter every type of person. Some concepts and ideas will resonate deeply with your soul, and you’ll have a feeling of being awake for the first time.
Remember, it’s you who is feeling awakened, not another person awakening you. I love Jeff Brown’s quote,
“Take all the gurus off your altar and replace them with a photo of yourself.”
There is a loving power in each one of us, and we need to explore and understand how it is unique to us. No one is a spiritual authority over anyone else.
Defining our lives and experiences for ourselves is so freeing. It’s a form of surrender to ask yourself, “How can I resist imposing my expectations on this experience?”
The more we can ask this and listen quietly for the answer, the more fully we can be present to experience our lives.
With love,
Sheryl
P.S. If you’d like to submit a question to my advice column, A Peek Behind the Veil, you can ask me anything about spirituality, business, relationships, or life. Tell me a little about your situation. It’s completely anonymous, and I will share advice and answers here in the newsletter.
Loved this one so much 🥹🫶🏻✨ I would love to hear more about your experiences within spiritual circles. I experienced something similar myself and the Jeff Brown quote really got me: put a picture of yourself on your altar instead. Gorgeous. Boundaries with gurus is something I wish I knew about earlier before I stepped into this field. Love you!!